Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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