just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
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