im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
This gyro tastes like lonliness
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
