If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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