when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
