There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
