I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
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Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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