He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
