All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
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