The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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