I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
