i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
