"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
