i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
