see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
foreskin is a definite game changer
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
