my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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