So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
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