Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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