you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
