Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
