if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
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