Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
