bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
