Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
