all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
