he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
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Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
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And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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