you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
