New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Randomize
