my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
