Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
