Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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