Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
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I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
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