He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
