Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
