I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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