please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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