woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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