I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
