I'm going to rape someone's good day.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
