hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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