i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
