Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
