i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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