He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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