he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Randomize
