just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
All I want is dick and wine.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
