Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
