so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
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We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
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you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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