this beer tastes like vomit already
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.