I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I supernannyed him into submission
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am