I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
the room spins SO much faster in panama
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something