i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
