Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
