I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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