Someone shit on the floor
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Randomize
