So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
