I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
